Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
