My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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