I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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