turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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