I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
