During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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