so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
