Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
