i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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