I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
