allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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