I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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