Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
