You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
