I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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