I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
