Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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