FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
