Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
