dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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