How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
