Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize