why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
