I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
