just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
