any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
