He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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