Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He passed out mid-signature
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
