I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My vagina is very pro this idea
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
