Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
