totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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