I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
