Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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