I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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