You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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