This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
