I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
