It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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