i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
