So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
