i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
this is an emotional support booty call
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
