so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
