my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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