If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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