dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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