i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
