I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
two words...techno handjob
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
