god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
