yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Drunk is a universal language darling
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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