the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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