It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
