just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
