I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
