So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
