Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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