I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
