the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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