Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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