i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
