I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
